July 27, 2014

today, I have known you for four years.
we are never a was, yet I have no idea if you will ever be.
but I only have myself with some guts and a little self-esteem to shorten the wide distance within my heart and yours.
I am happy for the way we are now, though I only have so little time before you fly away and gone.

through whispers, I want to send you my most sincere gratitude:
from the tests we have passed,
the pranks we have pulled,
the places we have went,
the foods we have tasted,
the pictures we have taken,
the dreams we have reached,
the school we have left,
the plans we have built,
the tears we have shed,
the laughs we have bursted,
the fights we have been
through,
the promises we have made,
the heartbreaks we have
mend—
yes, I cannot say more than thankyou,
for always staying
since we were fifteen.

me: on being mean-spirited, self-centered wallflower

I have my own choices. I have reasons for every action I take. I have my opinions to many things that no one could change.

I have standards and if some people think it’s too high, I must say that it’s my business without need of anyone’s concern.

admit it, people. we hate to be judged, but we judge a lot. we see others based on our point of view, we prejudice them. the only difference is whether each of us speak what we judge nor we keep it to ourselves; we humans are gifted with intelligence and we build thoughts about things—that includes building about one human to another.

I am judged almost every time and I don’t care with most of it. back in high school, most people were afraid of me because of my facial expression. it’s not a big deal, because at some times, I’m showing my unpleasant face to people I don’t really like so the judgment might be true. I’m not bothered to speak in front of many people that I’m a cheerful and sociable person and I’d like to befriend everyone because I’m not the cheerful and sociable person that everyone likes. at first I’m quite concerned about it, until I realized that it’s not necessary to think about, so as long as it doesn’t irritating, I’m just going to let people judge me.

some who trust me that much literally count on my thoughts. whenever they had to choose between options and I’m available, they’d ask for my advice; that includes what color to wear or which food to order. it’s not that I proclaim myself as a good observer; my friends made me so, but I don’t care if some people have different taste. it’s like I don’t have time to argue over unnecessary topics with people whose opinion are just as hard to change as mine, but it’s a pretty big deal when they force me to change it. face it: except I want to, no one can.

so when people said that I must be daydreaming because I’m a 19 year old single who set high standards over so many things including boyfriend, I just keep my mouth shut, and I’m going to point to the first paragraph, plus: is it wrong to give yourself the best? I guess not, and it’s not like my standards are unexceptional—if some circumstances can change my mind, then so be it. maybe I’m stubborn, but I’m not that rigid.

this also applies to people I want to get close with. all my old friends know so well how much I don’t get really well with people. I need more time than others, but that doesn’t make me an anti-social because I’m only quiet when I’m not interested (and I can hardly find anyone interesting, pardon my arrogance) or I’ve tried making conversations but they treat me like I’m as boring as an onion. girls are easy to pull out conversation with, but guys are harder. but actually, it’s just a matter of choice. I have choices about people I want to get along with and the people I don’t want to. and if you’re not in my option, it’s either a) you don’t get in to the spotlight and I’m feel sorry for you for being a blurred vision; or b) I’ve made your point about you and I don’t find you any interesting because you’ve made bad impression.

I’ve been advised from people that I should be more friendly but, how, I’ve tried but I’m just completely awkward and I hate awkward situations. most people will eventually accept my reason, but I must admit that some people couldn’t. well—I accept myself being a wallflower, so why can’t you? 

here’s my thoughts to people who dislike my anti-social behavior: you can either leave me, or accept me. don’t ever try to change it, because I hate it. don’t argue with me with my sarcastic arrogant words. I’ll try not to, but somehow it’ll hurt you.

people made choices. I have mine, and this is it.

depresif

Maaf jika posting ini tidak mengandung sedikitpun unsur estetika.

Ma,
Aku sudah lelah. Lelah menjadi aku, yang bukanlah aku.
Aku lelah mengasihani diriku, melihat kenyataan yang tidak sesuai ekspektasiku.
Aku lelah membohongi diriku dan orang lain saat aku berpura-pura bahagia.
Aku lelah mencoba memungkiri perasaanku, ketika sesuatu menyakitiku tapi aku hanya diam.
Aku lelah dengan orang-orang yang tidak mendengarkan, memotong saat aku bicara, berprasangka.
Aku lelah dengan mereka, yang merasa paling tahu tentang diriku, yang mencoba mengubahku menjadi orang lain.
Aku lelah berusaha bertahan
Aku lelah terus membisu
Aku lelah memaafkan tapi terus mengungkit
Aku lelah hanya tersenyum saat terhina
Aku sakit, ma.
Dan saat bubuk mesiu itu menumpuk menyesaki dadaku, kelak mereka akan meledak, melubanginya.

Lelah seakan petang telah berganti malam
Dalam perjalanan yang menguras raga ini
Dan saat fajar tiba aku sudah mati.

Dan semua berawal dari sebuah proses singkat dalam kamar gelap.

Sebagaimana aku menemukanmu.

Cantik. Aku menemukanmu dari gambar-gambar yang kuambil, di tengah jenuh dan gamang hidupku. Tetapi kamu rekah seperti bunga Iris, dan aku awas seperti lebah yang mampu menangkap pola-pola warna ultraviolet tersembunyi di kelopakmu, pola warna yang tidak tertangkap mata manusia. Mereka menyebutnya nectar guides. Ya, kamu seperti bunga dengan nectar guides yang begitu terang, bahkan ketika aku melihatmu hanya lewat gambar jutaan pixels dari kamera digitalku. Teman-temanku memang menjulukiku Mata Lebah. Karena aku mampu menangkap aura objek dan merekamnya dalam gambar dengan warna-warna tajam. Seperti mata lebah yang mampu memisahkan ribuan warna, dan mengolahnya dalam sistematika otak yang sama sekali tidak sederhana, dengan volume otak jauh lebih kecil dari manusia. Tapi, bagaimanapun, kamu berbeda. Dari objek berwarna menonjol lainnya.

Kamu cantik. Bukan sekedar cantik, bahkan. Terlalu berwarna untuk mengisi kosong hitam putih hidupku.

Hidupku, Cantik, adalah kenang-kenangan pendek dalam frekuensi tinggi. Kelak, jika kau melihatku lebih dekat, kau akan mencatatku sebagai kenangan yang tak ingin kau ingat. Kau hanya akan menganggapku sebagai bagian singkat dari proses pembelajaran yang dengan cepat akan kaulupakan. Begitulah, kurasa. Seperti orang-orang lain. Mungkin aku seperti sebotol soft drink penghilang dahaga; sesaat kau begitu menginginkannya – tapi kau tahu ia tak terlalu baik untuk dietmu – dan segera setelah tetes terakhir lenyap di balik kerongkonganmu kau sudah melupakannya.

Cantik, aku hanya ingin dicintai sesederhana orang-orang lain. Aku orang biasa. Jangan pernah menganggapku istimewa. Ada lagi yang mesti kau ingat. Jika kita kelak saling mengenal, aku tidak pernah minta dikasihani.

Ungu Violet