|Dowager Empress Marie:||You were the boy, weren't you - the servant boy who got us out? You saved her life and mine and you restored her to me. Yet you want no reward.|
|Dowager Empress Marie:||Why the change of mind?|
|Dimitri:||It was more a change of heart.|
my memories about high school start to fade away, I just want to write things that I still remember to picture everything behind.
as we know, Facebook has just been shut down a couple weeks ago. well, that was a whole lot of precious moments, right? lucky me, I am still an active netizen and I’ve downloaded everything before they get vanished, but since my tasks at work are a whole lot more loaded than those Facebook photos I was tagged on, I haven’t checked on them… until today.
most of my Facebook photos were dated back in 2010-2013. I keep on smiling while scrolling them back to back; how time flies, right? I was so young and cheerful and clueless, I didn’t even know how to apply eyeliner, but the most cute is, I didn’t even know anything about love. particularly, love from opposite sex which is a completely different story from family-or-friendship love. I haven’t even date anyone until I’m 20!
as I looked on those old photos, my mind flew back to you, to the best part: you are my best friend, and a partner-in-crime. and then there came the worst part: I began to like you.
so, high school was the place of first times—in the German class, that was the first time I broke down and cry because of some crush after I revealed my feelings toward you. in the math class, that was the first time I got birthday surprise from you.
everything in it was so special, until we got to walk on different pathway. the last time we met was when on our sophomore year of college. I joined student exchange for a year and then we lost contact after I got busy finishing up my final task in order to receive my undergrad degree. and then I flew to the Northeastern America, pursuing my dream for postgrad education.
so that was… let’s say, three years?
I heard that you’ve graduated when I was in my first year in law school, and it was bad that I couldn’t come to your graduation. I don’t know why but I’m still managed to come to others’ grad ceremony, or even our high school friends’ wedding (in which that two of them have already done), but we never met. I was too busy, and so did you, and our communication just vanished that way.
the funniest thing is, two years ago on my farewell party (in which you didn’t come because you’re too busy working but you sent me a large strawberry cheesecake as an apology), our lovely old folks were still remember clearly how close we were and how distanced we are now. how they mocked us as couple & how my feelings back in 2011 were never requited. lol.
you know, I miss that time & too bad you weren’t there, listening to their flashback stories which I was likely to forget if they didn’t remind me in the first place. we haven’t even talked for almost a year, and the last conversation we had was for my 24th birthday last May. well. high school friends were meant to be forever, people said, but it didn’t seem to happen to us.
well, all I wanted to say is, I never had the chance to tell you how sorry I am about everything happened since the first time we got close. there were too much fights, even after we’re done with high school. you were nice to me and I happen to dismissed you and you’re just… gone. it was just sad not seeing you attend probably one of the best day in my life—my graduation—and I didn’t know if it hurt you or not, not seeing myself attending yours and everything else that we’ve skipped for the last three years.
no matter how many years has passed since the last time I told you I like you, we are always awkward to each other, even worse when we face each other’s boyfriend/girlfriend, like you’re still scared that you might hurt my feelings. doesn’t it seem that we’re both trapped in the same boundaries? I never know how it feels to act normally with you, like what I usually do to another guy friends, and that’s what I supposed to do with you but I am never been able to do, and so does you. it’s hard to imagine just the two of us meet and talk for hours. there’ll be an awkward silence moment somehow.
and since we haven’t meet for ages, I know things will get worse. much worse than when you encountered my boyfriend. much worse than when he talked about marriages which is now just a plan since we’re done. why do we always need third party in order to prevent the awkward silence we’ve always had for eight years?
by typing this, I wish I could fix everything and meet you. I heard that you’re still as nosy as you’ve always been and I know you’ll catch up to this letter soon as I post this. if only I could flew back to 2013 Tumblr page (which is now gone since I forgot the password) and post it there so I can prevent everything from happening; so we’re not going to be like this, not catching up each other. because being strangers with your best friend—and a person who were once mattered the most, to be honest—hurts. and it hurts worse when you got forgotten.
I’m typing this while facing the box of stuffs I will send back to Jakarta in a couple hours. yes, I will fly back home this week, to my old life that I’ve left for two years.
to face everything. to mend from my brokenheart. to prepare myself for our high school reunion that has been reserved since seven years ago.
if being mellow and nostalgic is the only way to fix us, dearest past crush, then I’ll see you soon.
Philadelphia, January 2020
Bagea Hafilah Latief, LL.B, LL.M.
Anyone who joined Ask.fm surely have (or will) seen lots of sad stories given to anonymous asker, and get hundreds to thousand of likes. Mostly, it’s about breakups. And all of those breakup stories tell about the man, who acts like jerk, and the girl, who are devastated. It’s all about “blame the boys and they’ll get the karma eventually”.
Call me a person with Stockholm syndrome, but get this: we are living in a century where we wish for gender equality but WHY, in every breakups, the girl is always the person who are innocent and the boy is the one who makes terrible, unforgivable mistakes?
Me myself has never been in any relationship, but at least I have fell in love in serious matter once and I’ve seen a lot of couples for my whole teenage life and mostly, it is the girls who are selfish and the boys, who happen to misapprehend the girls, are always put to blame because the girls don’t say what they really meant but they wish to be understood but boys are not a good mind reader, sometimes even to themselves.
I agree that there are jerks and womanizers out there, or worse, semi-psychotic possessives who abuse their girlfriend, but hey, the most general case is that we, girls, knew that those boys are bad but we still chose them in hopes that they’ll change. For us. Gah. Accept this, young ladies: boys (not men) will not think that far. Being in a relationship, for most of them, are for having fun on their youth. So why don’t you see relationships that way, too? So instead of overthink their remarks about future as a sign that you are the girl they’re going to marry, have some fun before you turns 20-something!
When I fell in love, I was too serious that I forgot that that was just going to be some small phase in my lifetime adventure; a mistake I wish I wouldn’t do again.
So how do we, young girls, find the value of relationship? Well, why don’t you consider it as a training? When we’ve learned enough you’ll be in a relationship where we can treat the boys as we want to be treated. And when it comes, then he sure is the one for you!
Anyway, when girls wish for nice, and intelligent boys, they tend to forget that those kind of boys are looking for the same kind of girl, too. It is true that boys do like sexy girls, but mostly appearance is just for first impressions. In the end they will always adore girls who care (in a normal portion/not stalking) for them. Also, straight-A boys will look for another straight-A’s. So before you get depressed because “you’re far from their ideal type”, and start to blow your juvenile hormones on social networking sites, sharing quotes about unrequited love, CHANGE! It’s not that I suggest you to be someone who you’re not for someone else, but try to walk out f your comfort zone. Just because you love yourself doesn’t mean you have to stay with your bad behaviors and whatsoever. Upgrade yourself, for yourself, not for the boys. The good boys will be the ultra nice bonus. When I say, “walk out your comfort zone” I also meant that you should change your mindset, which I’ve explained a few paragraphs ago.
So, after reading this, will you still think that boys (mostly exes) are mean? Or was it you who forget to have fun and make yourself qualified for high-quality relationships?